I Blame Myself

I was sitting here thinking today about my life and just people in general. It's funny how we nearly always place blame on everyone else but ourselves. Take me for instance, when I was sixteen I wanted to go to art college. Simple thing I love art so I went for an evaluation or test if you like to enter in to a college for art a'level. So we had to draw a bone that was put in front of us. Afterwards we each had to have an interview with the head of the art department. Needless to say I never knew much about art history at the time other than Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa. See we never covered art history at school I never knew that I would need to study in the reasons for the paintings until much later in life. Needless to say I failed the interview they said I could go to the college but I would have to stay on for another year. Which would have put a strain on my mom and finances so I went to another college to do a course in study window displays. You know designing displays for cloth shop windows I hated it and left after six months.
  You see the thing was I blamed my mom for not having the money to be able to afford for me to study art. When in reality it was my own fault. The same goes for everything else that went wrong in my life in my life really. When the only person I should have been pointing the blame at was the person I see in the mirror every day. The same goes for relationships from my first long term to current. My first relationship I was to blind to see what I had and through it away. If I could have turned back the clock I would have done it in a heartbeat. My other two long term relationships I married, the first I thought I was doing the right thing by getting married . Partly because I'd managed to get her pregnant within a month of us seeing each other. Instead of turning away I stayed with her for four years then I'd finally had enough of being told what to do and the verbal abuse that went with it. Truth be known, I didn't love her and I wasted both of our lives in search for happiness. We eventually separated and I think she hated me for quite along time after that and I don't blame her.
 The second was with someone who'd been in an abusive relationship both mentally and physically. Instead of just running a mile I moved in and spent ten years trying to sort out the problems. Looking back it was the biggest mistake of my life. Constantly being accused of affairs when ever I went to visit her uncle who was a friend of mine. Then being blamed for asking her to spend time with me and the kids. When all she wanted to do was go out to her mates. Here's an example New Years Eve, we'd all gone to a party that ran on till one o'clock in the morning. When we got home the first thing she said was "I'm off out to my friends for a couple of hours." I couldn't believe it. Isn't Christmas time meant to be spent with the family? It broke my heart and when I tried to talk about getting help to sorting it out she just wasn't interested.
Did the whole relationship affect me? I'd be a fool to say it hadn't. When she finally came out with I don't love you anymore. On her return trip from Birmingham after saying she was staying with her mom but actually spent the weekend with her eldest daughters father, I told her I was leaving. We'd been married a month by now and I just couldn't believe that she just through it away.
 Looking back I should have just walked away the first time she cheated on me about three years in to the relationship instead of forgiving her.
 Maybe I need to change? I know I need to forget. I hope this goes some way towards that because I feel like it is affecting my current relationship and I don't want it to. It's not a matter of trust or insecturity, it's a matter of moving forward getting over the past because I love her with all my heart and we have such a promising and loving future ahead.