Growing up

 I don't know why but I've always wanted to be loved. Maybe it's because of what I'd seen as a child and the relationships I'd been in over the years.
 The separation of my mom and dad was hard for me. It wasn't a pleasant experience and I don't think it is for any child. Each one of them had a view of the other over the break up. Each parent slagging the other off behind their backs not noticing the children standing next to them.
 Both my sister and I watched as my dad was literally kicked out of the house by my mom. We sat on the stairs crying as they argued over him leaving. At one point she told him if he didn't leave we would and proceeded to ask us if we wanted to move to America.
 As I grew up I had few girlfriends during my school years. It didn't help the fact that I was placed in to an all boys school during  my teens. I was a pretty shy lad as well which didn't help matters. Girls would always class me as a friend. At one point the lads at school were spreading roomers that I was gay. It pissed me off at the time because it wasn't for the lack of trying to get a girlfriend. It was just that I treated them differently to the boys at school. Not looking at them as if they were a piece of flesh. The girls I went out with at the time were not local to the area. My dad had managed to get himself a flat on the opposite side of town. We used to visit him over the weekend and he'd befriended a couple who lived in a block of flats opposite. Phil and Leslie were their names, they were a youngish couple. They had their nieces stay over during the holidays Pauline and Maxine. I went out with Maxine, who was thirteen. I was eleven at the time and most definitely a virgin in all aspects of having any sort of dating. She was my first kiss, it's funny how you remember the name of your firsts.
 We lost contact with them after a few years. It wasn't until I was sixteen my dad told me he'd an affair with Leslie. I don't blame him because it turned out that Phil was abusing her.


  

My Dreams, My Hopes, My pains, ME!! Please feel free to comment on anything that is posted. We all go through changes within our lives, Some Good, Some Bad, Some Happy, They lead to our own, Individual path.

Please circulate my first ebook available to download follow link :The Sorrowed Mind (Tomorrows Dream) ~http://ow.ly/76hup #poetry #kindle

To Be Loved

All he ever wanted was to be loved,
the way he loved,
He gave his heart to the ones he loved,
but it wasn't enough,

They used him and abused him,
cut his heart out and bled it dry,
They left him there,
As the tears began to roll down his eyes,
for the pain he felt inside,

Looking for the one,
to make him breathe again,
Someone who knew and felt the same,
Gave their heart to him as he would to her,
longing to be with her,
as she yearned to be with him,

Both praying for the dream to start,
but distance has kept them apart,
He feels so lost without her,
and her without him,

The immigration process is the ultimate test,
to be with the one you love,
He holds his hands up to the heavens above,
is this the price we pay for love,
If he was rich enough he'd be there today,
but his not so he has to wait and stay,
For the process to play,

A loving pair with an average income,
£500,000.00 to invest in property,
would get you there easily,
Is this the way it's meant to be,
to love someone and have to wait and see,
while the rich have it so easily.


True love, poetry and pain download http://t.co/x7cGTDL


Copyright © 2010 John Bevan

I Need You

Only you,
Can see through my life,

Only you,
Can touch me deep inside,

I still believe in dreamin,
You see,
in to my mind,
I still believe in dreamin,
You see,
through my eyes,

I try so hard to feel you,
but you're nowhere in sight,

I try so hard to reach you,
To heal this pain inside,

Oh! Darling can you hear me,
Please show me that you're there,
Darling can you hear me,
I've been searching everywhere,

Only you,
Can see through my life,

Only you,
Can touch me deep inside,

You must have been an Angel,
to get inside my mind,

You must have been an Angel,
to take me back through time,
Darling can you help me,
I need to find my way,
Darling can you tell me,
I wanted you to stay,

Only you,
Can heal me deep inside,

Only you,
Can heal my mind.

Copyright © 2010 John Bevan

Optimistic

People have said that I'm optimistic. I'm not, I wish I was then perhaps this wouldn't be so painful having to wait for other people to make the decisions in order to be with the person you love. Am I a patient person? To an extent yes but again wanting to be with someone throws all that out of the window. In order for me to cope with all this I have to be optimistic or I'd be screaming my lungs out now. To say that I haven't cried during this process would be lying. But any descent man who loved his fiancee, would at some point. Especially when you know you've found someone special, your soul mate. The one you've always wanted to be with since you were a young boy.
 They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But it doesn't it just pines for the person you're missing the person you love. You have to stay optimistic or you end up a depressed mess.

The First Time I Laid Eyes On Her

   It wasn't before long that I'd bought a passport and plane tickets to travel to the U.S. to meet this lady that had caught my heart in such a short amount of time. I just hoped, she felt the same way about me. We had to wait five months before I could visit but we talked every day online. Sometimes from three in the afternoon till six the next day. I'd even introduced her to my family and Michelle hit it off with my Mom straight away. I couldn't believe it, all the others couldn't stand her. Saying that she was to bossy or to much of a snob.

Thankfully I managed to save some money for when I finally got to go and see Michelle. She was so nervous about me travelling on the plane. With the terrorist threats and just flying in general. I was okay about it because I'd flown before. Admittedly not at that long a distance but it was still flying  and I wasn't fazed by it at all. I had to make a change of flight a Charlotte and then on to my next destination. The whole journey took thirteen hours. I was expecting to be so tired when I got off. But I think the excitement of being able to finally meet the lady who has shared so many things with me, had taken over. Before I'd even got on to the plane my Mom made sure I was dressed in an appropriate manor. Shirt, tie and suit Wendy and I had joked about what I should wear, for when I was on my way over and not wearing a suit was one of them. Parents hey, what are they like. What my Mom didn't realize was there was four foot of snow waiting for me at the end of the journey.

 As I walked through the exit doors I recognised Michelle pretty much straight away. Not only that she rushed up and threw her arms around me. I can't say much because I was so pleased to finally be with her. We squeezed each other so tight. It took nearly ten minutes for us to release each other not that I'm complaining because we were able to kiss each other for the fist time. How much I'd fallen for this beautiful lady, her auburn hair and beautiful smile it just melted my heart.  

As we waded through the winter snow to Michelle's car we did nothing but hold hands and talk about the journey and how long we had waited for this moment. Michelle said that at one moment she thought that she'd recognized me on an earlier flight and ran up to some complete stranger asking if he was John. Fortunately the gentleman wasn't named John at all or I'd have been waiting at the airport for quite a while. 

It was funny as we drive to Michelle's it was as if we'd known each other since we were teenagers. Laughing and joking about how she went to the wrong person when we'd talked and seen each other over webcam for months.
   






Copyright © 2011 John Bevan 

I Blame Myself

I was sitting here thinking today about my life and just people in general. It's funny how we nearly always place blame on everyone else but ourselves. Take me for instance, when I was sixteen I wanted to go to art college. Simple thing I love art so I went for an evaluation or test if you like to enter in to a college for art a'level. So we had to draw a bone that was put in front of us. Afterwards we each had to have an interview with the head of the art department. Needless to say I never knew much about art history at the time other than Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa. See we never covered art history at school I never knew that I would need to study in the reasons for the paintings until much later in life. Needless to say I failed the interview they said I could go to the college but I would have to stay on for another year. Which would have put a strain on my mom and finances so I went to another college to do a course in study window displays. You know designing displays for cloth shop windows I hated it and left after six months.
  You see the thing was I blamed my mom for not having the money to be able to afford for me to study art. When in reality it was my own fault. The same goes for everything else that went wrong in my life in my life really. When the only person I should have been pointing the blame at was the person I see in the mirror every day. The same goes for relationships from my first long term to current. My first relationship I was to blind to see what I had and through it away. If I could have turned back the clock I would have done it in a heartbeat. My other two long term relationships I married, the first I thought I was doing the right thing by getting married . Partly because I'd managed to get her pregnant within a month of us seeing each other. Instead of turning away I stayed with her for four years then I'd finally had enough of being told what to do and the verbal abuse that went with it. Truth be known, I didn't love her and I wasted both of our lives in search for happiness. We eventually separated and I think she hated me for quite along time after that and I don't blame her.
 The second was with someone who'd been in an abusive relationship both mentally and physically. Instead of just running a mile I moved in and spent ten years trying to sort out the problems. Looking back it was the biggest mistake of my life. Constantly being accused of affairs when ever I went to visit her uncle who was a friend of mine. Then being blamed for asking her to spend time with me and the kids. When all she wanted to do was go out to her mates. Here's an example New Years Eve, we'd all gone to a party that ran on till one o'clock in the morning. When we got home the first thing she said was "I'm off out to my friends for a couple of hours." I couldn't believe it. Isn't Christmas time meant to be spent with the family? It broke my heart and when I tried to talk about getting help to sorting it out she just wasn't interested.
Did the whole relationship affect me? I'd be a fool to say it hadn't. When she finally came out with I don't love you anymore. On her return trip from Birmingham after saying she was staying with her mom but actually spent the weekend with her eldest daughters father, I told her I was leaving. We'd been married a month by now and I just couldn't believe that she just through it away.
 Looking back I should have just walked away the first time she cheated on me about three years in to the relationship instead of forgiving her.
 Maybe I need to change? I know I need to forget. I hope this goes some way towards that because I feel like it is affecting my current relationship and I don't want it to. It's not a matter of trust or insecturity, it's a matter of moving forward getting over the past because I love her with all my heart and we have such a promising and loving future ahead.

They Came

Darkness falls across the sky,
Beams of light hit the earth,
No one knows why,
They came with wrath,
and birth,

Millions of miles they traveled,
and landed here on earth,
Living in the woodlands,
feeding on the wildlife,
They scavenged,
as they gave birth,

The screams were heard,
from across the seas,
As they devoured the innocent,
and brought us to our knees,
injecting venom,
spreading disease,

They quickly spread,
throughout the world,
Devouring the souls,
now living dead,
As we fight for survival,
with water and bread,
while those infected,
are eating flesh,
of those not dead,

The only thing,
that wasn't infected,
The venomous creatures,
had not injected,
devoured,
poisoned,
digested themselves,
This is a day,
from living hell.

Copyright © 2011 John Bevan

Come Away

I was battered,
and broken,
These words,
that I've spoken,
These lines,
that I've written,
The pain,
that I've suffered,
I had to escape from,
The hurt from another,

And now I'm finally free,
Come away, come away with me,
Come away, come away,
save yourself,

You have captured my heart,
And the words that we've spoken,
our hearts have been broken,
So many times,
from the pain,
and lies,
I promise you,
We'll live,
our lives,
Leave it all behind,

Now that we are finally free,
Come away, come away with me,
Come away, come away,
be yourself,

Create your dream,
lets turn it in to reality,
and change our lives,
The way they're meant to be.
 




Copyright © 2011 John Bevan 

TATTOOED

The blood stained sheets,
of wind swept dreams,
Lie tattooed on my mind,
The scars don't heal,
they gently fade,
but the stain,
remains,
Through time,

Never forgotten,
and a fear,
They'll return again,
The seeds are sewn,
and the scene is painted,
As the pain remains,

The play is written,
Scripted,
As we each play our part,
Romeo gives his heart,
and Juliet accepts it,
If you close your eyes,
It is depicted,

I hear the screams,
Of the broken hearts,
and shattered dreams,
Repeating themselves,
through time,

The first true love,
and the ones there after,
To the heart that's bled,
for the love,
we're after,
Never to give up,
forever dreaming,

Close your eyes,
block out,
the screaming,
Thinking of the one,
The one you're dreamin',
As you lie there,
continuously weeping,
For the one,
you're needing,

She plants the seed,
To help you believe in,
Who paints the picture,
and heals the pain,
Shelters you,
from the pouring rain,
She gives the love,
you're dreamin',

Creates the dream,
to be reborn again,
And builds the faith,
from boys to men,
An Angel that falls,
With the purest heart,
If only I could reachin',
touch you,
See the love in your eyes,
and you melt me inside,
As I hold you gently,
in my arms,
Hurt by all the lies,
You've shown me,
something new,
and I've fallen,
So in love with you.






Copyright © 2011 John Bevan 

The Snow Falls

The snow falls in December,
and settles in January,
That's the time I remember,
just how much,
you meant to me,

On that snow filled night,
As I walked off that plane,
and you were in sight,
From that very first moment,
I laid my eyes on you,
Right at that moment,
I knew,

In your eyes,
in your smile I see,
Your tenderness,
and your beauty,
It's there to me,

No need to deny,
no need for insecurity,
The love you give,
Is all that means to me,

If it takes a day,
or takes a year,
It doesn't matter how long,
I'll be here,
Waiting,
Just to be near,
Dreaming,
taking away the fear,

Thinking of you,
and our future path,
I believe in us,
and the things we'll do,
With that moon lit night,
and guiding star,
It won't be to long,
I'll be where you are.






Copyright © 2011 John Bevan 

Longing

Don't be afraid by what I say,I wouldn't hurt you in any way,If I say you're gorgeous or beautiful,I mean it,

No lies are hidden beneath this,I know you don't believe me,But I can't help it you see,This is how you make me feel,This is what I see,That's how it's meant to be,
I feel lost without you,But you're deep inside of me,Holding on to my heart,Where you're meant to be,I hope in time you'll realize,What you'd seen that day,When you looked in to my eyes,
The love I hold for you is true,and I want you to see it too,your lips, your smile,The beauty you hold,The touch of your skin,A beauty untold,

You know what you do to me,I love you so completely,
You make me smile,With the things you do and say,My stomach turns,Knowing that you're far away,I can't wait to be with you.








Copyright © 2011 John Bevan